This is so something you'd get her. I miss you...
Monday, March 31, 2014
June 20, 2013
It's been a while but I'm still missing you! Our baby girl is growing and getting more active every day while Maddie's personality continues to bloom (we are SO in for it!). I'm trying to get things organized for Miss Ryleigh and trying to figure out what we need to buy and came across this:
May 30, 2013
I can't believe it's been almost six months; it still doesn't feel real that you are gone. I realize now that I'm really not handling your loss at all, much less well, so today I've decided that I'll start writing letters to you. My head is full of things I want to tell you. I know you won't ever see them but I hope it will bring some closure.
I've had a recurring dream the last few nights that you are still alive. You are getting sicker and I convince you to come to the hospital I work at to get you the help you need. It feels so real, like you are still here and I can still save you. When I wake up I feel the same hurt all over again.
I remember the night I got that call. She was crying and all she said was, "We lost Eimajn today." I remember thinking she was silly, you can't misplace a human. Then I curled up in a ball on the floor and lost it. I had known you as long as I could remember. I didn't even consider you a friend- you were my sister. Sometimes we loved each other like sisters, sometimes we fought like them (ok, those tween years we fought a lot, lol). But at the end of the day I smiled when people asked if we were sisters. Remember at my graduation when a good friend came to us and said, "Amy, I never knew you had a sister!"
So much has happened since we lost you. The holidays were beyond rough, and my birthday certainly wasn't the same- just one month after you left us all I could think about was my twenty-first birthday. You were there (and helped mom pick out a great new cell phone for me) and your card read, "I'm so glad we aren't friends." You were so embarrassed you wrote it, said you were distracted by your mom, but to this day I still giggle thinking about it. Then was Maddie's second birthday where I missed your insane organization and party-planning skills, and we announced Maddie would be a big sister. Next was your birthday- I made spaghetti and cheese bread just for you and will do so every year.
Maddie does the silliest stuff- I've almost texted you a million times, later to remember you wouldn't get them. She still talks about you, too. I want to be sure she remembers her Aunt Eimajn. Im not sure why but she's started to call you Uncle Eimajn now, maybe she has your sense of humor. she loves looking at pictures from the air show (the last time we spent with you) and she sleeps with the baby doll you gave her.
Last week we found out our newest addition will be another little princess! Ryleigh Renee- in honor of her Aunt Eimajn. People think I'm a little off for giving Ryleigh your middle name- but Cody and I agree- we pray that she has the spunk and determination you had when you were feeling well. That's what I want to remember. And I want to make sure my girls know you, too. When they are much older I'll explain things to them, but Maddie knows that "Uncle Eimajn" is in heaven with Baby Jesus.
I miss you so much and I'm so sorry you didn't get the help you needed. I wish I would have done more, I wish I would have pushed harder. I try and remember that with my kids at work. As they struggle with suicidal thoughts I try to pour all my energy into them in your honor. People say that some people just can't be helped, I refuse to believe that was the case for you. You were too bright and too marvelous to die that young.
I've had a recurring dream the last few nights that you are still alive. You are getting sicker and I convince you to come to the hospital I work at to get you the help you need. It feels so real, like you are still here and I can still save you. When I wake up I feel the same hurt all over again.
I remember the night I got that call. She was crying and all she said was, "We lost Eimajn today." I remember thinking she was silly, you can't misplace a human. Then I curled up in a ball on the floor and lost it. I had known you as long as I could remember. I didn't even consider you a friend- you were my sister. Sometimes we loved each other like sisters, sometimes we fought like them (ok, those tween years we fought a lot, lol). But at the end of the day I smiled when people asked if we were sisters. Remember at my graduation when a good friend came to us and said, "Amy, I never knew you had a sister!"
So much has happened since we lost you. The holidays were beyond rough, and my birthday certainly wasn't the same- just one month after you left us all I could think about was my twenty-first birthday. You were there (and helped mom pick out a great new cell phone for me) and your card read, "I'm so glad we aren't friends." You were so embarrassed you wrote it, said you were distracted by your mom, but to this day I still giggle thinking about it. Then was Maddie's second birthday where I missed your insane organization and party-planning skills, and we announced Maddie would be a big sister. Next was your birthday- I made spaghetti and cheese bread just for you and will do so every year.
Maddie does the silliest stuff- I've almost texted you a million times, later to remember you wouldn't get them. She still talks about you, too. I want to be sure she remembers her Aunt Eimajn. Im not sure why but she's started to call you Uncle Eimajn now, maybe she has your sense of humor. she loves looking at pictures from the air show (the last time we spent with you) and she sleeps with the baby doll you gave her.
Last week we found out our newest addition will be another little princess! Ryleigh Renee- in honor of her Aunt Eimajn. People think I'm a little off for giving Ryleigh your middle name- but Cody and I agree- we pray that she has the spunk and determination you had when you were feeling well. That's what I want to remember. And I want to make sure my girls know you, too. When they are much older I'll explain things to them, but Maddie knows that "Uncle Eimajn" is in heaven with Baby Jesus.
I miss you so much and I'm so sorry you didn't get the help you needed. I wish I would have done more, I wish I would have pushed harder. I try and remember that with my kids at work. As they struggle with suicidal thoughts I try to pour all my energy into them in your honor. People say that some people just can't be helped, I refuse to believe that was the case for you. You were too bright and too marvelous to die that young.
Where it all began
December 3, 2012 a very dear friend took her life. I remember it like it was yesterday and her death had as profound an impact on me as her life did. I struggled, as many others did after her death, I struggled with how to handle my feelings. My husband watched me cry at the drop of a hat for months, I was pregnant with our second daughter and I think he was afraid. He looked at me one night and said, "Honey, you've got to talk to somebody."
I was mad, there was only one person I wanted to talk to, and she was gone. That's when "Letters to Eimajn" began. I created an email account and began writing emails to help myself through this time. Some names are changed for her family's privacy, but what you read from here on out will be the raw emails I've written since the night my husband and I spoke.
I share this in hopes that it will help someone. If one person reads this and decides not to commit suicide, or if I can support a suicide survivor, then sharing my personal story will be worth it. I welcome your comments, but ask for respect, everyone is entitled to their feelings.
I was mad, there was only one person I wanted to talk to, and she was gone. That's when "Letters to Eimajn" began. I created an email account and began writing emails to help myself through this time. Some names are changed for her family's privacy, but what you read from here on out will be the raw emails I've written since the night my husband and I spoke.
I share this in hopes that it will help someone. If one person reads this and decides not to commit suicide, or if I can support a suicide survivor, then sharing my personal story will be worth it. I welcome your comments, but ask for respect, everyone is entitled to their feelings.
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